Page Four
Moving The Spirit
Where Evil Lay Within
How does one find the courage to keep the darkness at bay,
away, I say, away from my beating heart. It is not the manner of the degree
that evil can do. Still, the insatiable touch it holds what seems like an eternity and fortitude we who are cursed with a darkened moving my strength. Hence, the world
outside is demented and cruel, and devastation becomes the norm of things,
internally that is. I am hungover again, sitting on the edge of the bed, my
mind is meandering through the hours before just what I did. I have no clue as
to how I got here but the darkness is the culprit which is partly responsible,
for my disillusioned mental state, it is not just alcohol. I convince myself of
that as I slowly get up and move toward the bathroom. Thee, I may eliminate
last night’s moments of drunkenness where it belongs, into that white porcelain, and thus, I start anew.
My head is still pounding, that darkened cloud of
devastation set upon my soul is ever so demanding. I must do something I really
do not want to do. See my ex-wife and my kid who hates me. They both do not
get it; I am possessed by this evilness and have been for a long
time. I say I will kill myself just to show evil, there you bastard, I won. The
walk to the bus station is non-eventful, the sun is out but it burns my eyes if I do not wear these dark glasses. I barely make it to the station, I am hungover, and have no strength to walk as I do for only one mile. Oh, the darkness of my
soul, do not your ways have to be so fucking hard on my body as well? In
time, I will find a way to make you beg for mercy before I cut your fucking
head off, even if do it in the dream state I am in all the time.
There is hardly anybody on the bus, which makes it better
for me, not so much background noise. Sometimes the people are purposely raving
as loud as they can, so it seems anyway. More aspirin, warm water which I hate,
and time is not on my side, ever. The bus comes to my stop. There are trees and
foliage I should notice for the comfort that may bring because of the beauty
presiding over one’s senses. I really do not give a shit right now, as evil singing
that phrase in my head. Much too often. The door is only a few feet from me,
and I am having a tough time going up to it and knocking, I always do. This
makes my stomach even worse than it already is. I knock, wait, and knock again.
The door swings open and she, my ex, slams the door back closed. Even knowing I
was coming she has no shame, no empathy, but I cannot blame her. And evil
weighs heavy upon my shoulders, bringing with it the darkness for which I am
constantly living.
I have been sitting on the steps for a little over an hour,
trying to get enough courage to knock again. Then, there was a slow creaking
sound from the door, it usually did that if opened slowly. Ronny was standing
just inside the house and almost covered by the door itself. I looked at him
and could not believe how much he had grown. My son, he was just two it seems. I
said quietly,
“Hello, Ronny.”
“Hi, are you drunk?”
I said a little louder, “No I am not drunk.”
“Then why did mom slam the door on you?”
“Son, I have no idea.”
I asked nicely, “Can I come in and talk to you? Catch up on what
is going on in your life?”
He waited a long time before answering, “Okay, come in and
be quiet. We can go up to my room.”
“Thanks, kid.”
We both were tip-toeing as we were going up the stairs. Each
creak took my breath away. His room had changed, you could see he was growing
and in with the times. I had forgotten his craving for reading, he had journals
everywhere, and he was into writing as well.
“I will be right back, don’t touch anything and be quiet!”
Okay, he is the man of the house now. I was proud of his
demanding attitude, which made him so much more of an adult. But there was
something a little odd about him, his mannerisms were different. Well, I have
not seen him for quite some time. I need three more aspirins. It is going to be
a miracle to get through this and back outside without a big argument with
Carol. I was being a little nosy though, and picked up one of his journals. I
wanted to see his writing style if I had time. I looked at the door and stood
for a second to hear anything going on outside. Nothing, so I opened his journal
a few months ago. He was explaining the lousy way he and his friend were being
treated at school dances. Nothing out of the ordinary happens to a lot of
kids these days. Then, I hit pay dirt and was absolutely floored. Ronny
explained how much he and Robert were in love, and wanted to move to the next step
of the relationship. I could not believe it, he was gay.
I put the journal back just as I found it. Went over to the
window and looked out down the street. Wondering If I could have known sooner
in his life, watched him grow up, and saw the difference in his mannerisms. Not
that it bothered me, I am okay with it, but how do I get him to tell me so I
can explain how I feel about him being gay. Ronny slowly came from the hall and
sat down on the bed.
“Mom is taking a nap; she does this often. Something she
picked up from one of the housewife’s gurus who thinks she is the next best
thing to living a well-lived life. Mom thinks her beliefs are helping her cope
with all that has been going on with you leaving.”
“Ronny, we got a divorce, I did not just leave, I was kicked
out of the house. And yes, it was my fault it ended up the way it did. You see
son, I do not know if you are going to understand what I am about to tell you.”
Ronny looked a little scared, or he felt he was going to be
told something he was not ready to divulge.
“I have been in the dumps since the divorce. My mentality is
being held hostage by the darkness that is controlled by evil. I drink too
much, and have horrible hangovers, before I came here, I was feeling terrible,
since talking with you I have felt better.”
“Why don’t you get help?” Ronny said with hesitation.
“Because I am afraid. Afraid of what this darkened cloud
will do to my soul if try to remove it. I know it sounds odd to you, but it is
the basis for my existence as it is now. Maybe if you help, I can get the
courage to fight it.” I said with a quiver in my voice.
Ronny sat there for a while; I could tell he was trying to
bring the words out. He too had a heavy burden to carry and did not know what
to say for me to understand his dilemma.
“Dad?”
“Yes.”
“I am going to tell you something I have told to no one
else. Please, please, try to understand where I am coming from, and how I am
feeling about it, do not get upset enough to wake Mom.”
“Go ahead, son.”
Ronny says with some strong conviction behind his words, “I
am Gay. I am who I am and like myself as I am. I have a boyfriend, and we love
each other, he has come out to his parents, and they were understanding, and accepted
the fact of him being gay. Obviously, they know I am too, but I never mentioned
the fact to them. I want to come out to Mom and everybody but like you, it is a
challenging thing to get the courage.”
I took some time to answer that statement he made too. I
know it took guts to do that, and he has the courage just does not know how to
get it out of his inner self. I listen to myself, and, oddly, both of us
have the same problem but for several reasons.
“Ronny, I am going to make a long, drawn-out comment. I do
not care that you are gay. You were born that way, and there is nothing you or
anyone can do to try and change the fact that being gay is not a choice.
God made you who you are, and knowing that you like yourself as you are, is a
wonderful thing. I love you Ronny, and nothing will ever take that from me.
You, unlike me, have courage right at your deepest part of the spirit. You
always had it and now, you reach deep inside and tell the world, I am Ronny Cornell
Simpson, and I am gay and loving it! That fact will remove the burden you carry
like me, but for different reasons. Saying all this to you is making me
stronger and now I know what I need to do to fight the battle I carry around in
myself.”
Ronny looked like he was on top of the world, he ran to me
and hugged me as if no tomorrow, sheesh he was strong. We had tears in our
eyes, never said anything about crying but we knew how glad he was to find what
he needed to move on in life. I on the other hand felt bad that I could not be
as strong as Robby. I was the adult here and should have the courage to kill
the evilness attached to my soul.
“Dad, are you going to go and get help?”
I looked at him and feeling terrible I do not have the
courage he does, lied.
“Yes, son, I will go and find the help needed to rid this
evil, dark cloud, hanging onto my soul.”
I sounded odd to myself talking in that manner. He does not
understand my own knowledge of how the spirit is held hostage if not strong and
uses the Higher Power to be in control of myself.
“Dad, are you really going to a rehab center, do you need
mom to take you?”
“I will take myself, thanks, she would rather see me suffer
with my demons than take me to Rehab.”
“I am going to go right now, and you can be sure I will be
back to see you. I have learned a great deal about my son today, and you are full
of courage, more than I am at this point. You keep your head up, be strong in your
convictions, and do not let anybody tell you that being gay is anything but
what God made you.”
He smiled and gave me another hug. I was taken aback by the hug;
he was never that close to me to give that much attention. His mother can be at
fault for that. I went to the front door, quietly went out, and heard inside,
“You what, how could you not wake me with him in the house!”
I just turned and went to the bus stop. Sat a while until
the bus came and reflected on everything I went through with my son. I had no
idea who he was until a few hours ago. And now I need a drink. The demon was
hounding me and telling me to fill his gut full of drink. The night was coming,
and I had put off the bar for a few hours. It is becoming harder each hour that
goes by. If I wait, they will be closed soon, and I can battle tomorrow whether
I will go to Rehab or drink myself into a delirious pitiful human being. I want
out of evil’s grasp on me. The time has come, and it needs to end. The thought
brought chills to my thought process, the Rehab scared me to death as well, and
the thought of continued drinking with evil controlled my mental life and
soul. I waited some more and did not give much thought as to what would happen
tomorrow. All I knew was going to be a change and how I was going to live
amongst the normal was the only mental capabilities I could muster up.
The time for sleep was slowly approaching, I am so damned tired,
and I need to sleep without drinking to oblivion taking me there. I slept. It
was a restless night, tossing and turning, bad dreams would wake me on occasion,
but I would fall back to sleep. Till awakened again by my strife with evil and
fighting his tormented ways. I woke up early and sat on the edge of the bed
trying to keep my head from hurting. I do not know why the headache is. I guess
the next thing to do is take something to make it stop. I got dressed and ate a
small bowl of cereal. I looked out the kitchen window for a long time, noticed
the green trees, and the grounds in the apartment, and knew it was time to go to
Rehab. It was on the way to Robby’s house, so I knew where it was. The bus let
me out about a block away. It was the longest walk I made, seemed to go on
forever, and the end game was me walking through the main door with the
expectation of starting anew in life.
I stopped and sat on the steps leading up to the door. I was
there for about a half hour when the front door opened, and a pastor came out
and sat next to me.
“Seems you are having a tough time making the final decision
to walk through the door and change your life.”
“Yes, Father, my demons are dead set against me not drinking
myself to oblivion every night.”
“You know the strength of God will give you what is needed
to literally remove those demons from your soul’s inner habitual drinking ways.”
“I would like to believe that, but my praying goes nowhere,
and the self-denial I am a drunk, just makes it worse internally to accept any
kind of belief God will help me.”
“He has been with you since you were born, keeping you from
harm's way as drinking, and bringing you here, at this moment, to being
righteously knowing the Devine of the Lord has always been with you. Come my
son, come with me, and begin a new life where the end is never thought about
again.”
“I am scared it will not work, and those demons are just
going to be hiding till get out of Rehab. Driving me back to the bar, and the
tormented ways drinking does to one’s soul.”
We sat for a few minutes more and the pastor asked,
“Are you feeling anything right now except fear?”
“No, not really, I am just a little scared of what will
happen as enter through those doors.”
“Well,” the pastor began to say.
“The way to one’s mental state is not what you think, those
doors are your salvation, a clear entrance to a journey where the design is
fulfilling and feelings of betterment toward yourself.”
I turned and looked at him, the pastor was not incredibly
old which I thought was odd. He should be an old man, knowing God’s ways for
many years, having the knowledge and wisdom one gets in his position from years
of dealing with people being saved.
I asked,
“Why are you here, I mean shouldn’t you be at a church doing
sermons?”
“I am here because my calling is too bring people such as
yourself, through those doors and see what God can do for you His strength is
always there when needed, if you feel like drinking, not only your sponsor will
help but praying will be the norm of things as go from day to day, one step at
a time.”
“Okay Father, open the door, quickly before I chicken out
and go to the bar. I need a drink, and the demons are rampant with desire for drink.”
He got up, took my hand, and opened the door, and there at
that moment in time, I was not lost or felt deepened by fear, all I felt inside
was relief. A real-life feeling of hope, and that was the beginning of never
having the demons with me again. They were cast out by God and never to pass my
spirit again, never to hold my soul with their grasp of demented ways to make
living life so hard. I in an instant of time had hope. It was there all along I
had no way to bring it to my inner self so the door to living life was given
to me and the blessing it provided was the beginning of a new look through
the clouds of darkness, seeing the light of life for the first time in a very
long time.
So, I Keep Praying
I have fallen and cannot find my way,
It is dark and there is no way out,
because there is no light.
Why have you forsaken me,
I have done all you asked me to do.
Now alone, you are nowhere to be found.
So, the end seems near,
I have found my life was short,
but I will see you when all is said and done,
I have missed you,
I still love you, my darling,
I will come to you.
Now, I have some light.
I no longer need to fight,
for your love.
Thank you, Lord,
I have your light of life,
all I needed was to believe and have faith,
it is now clear you have been with me on my journey all the
time
I have found my way,
through love and hate,
how I love you so,
my darling, you are loved also,
for the journey is coming to an end,
I have you with me,
I have the Lord with me,
my road is filled with light, so my way is clear,
and I will persevere,
into the light I go,
now, it is here that I found my way,
it is there you are here,
love is the key.
And I have it all,
you are my destiny and grateful for my life,
hello and goodbye,
we are coming through it all, together,
I am now content and home in my heart,
together and insisting on holding up to the
challenge for life and faith.
Here I now lay and find my way,
loving all, and being loved is the way,
there is the journey’s end.
I now may sleep and be happy, together with
you and Him, for this I am grateful.
Humbled and love you, forever,
till there is no time left except when I am needed,
together we will not deny the dream we desire.
It is here and being in love,
that I will not fail,
found my way,
He has led the way,
for that I am final and complete,
time has no feat,
fate has not come,
for me,
so, I keep praying.
A Changed Moment
I am walking a path down into the forest. The day is nearly
perfect, the air is a little brisk but feels so good on my face. I can hear the
river ahead; it is a little ruff in the area I am close to. I know what I
am heading to. My spot, a wonderment of my sight which will behold something
that is a miracle, to me it is. I am coming into a slight clearing, not excessively
big, the surroundings are beautiful. The trees are whispering their song, and the
foliage is all colors of the rainbow. I slowly walk to my rock, perfect for
sitting on. I hope what I came to see is going to happen. It had only been once
before, and I was so awe-struck that all I could do was sit and look at an image
that I still had a tough time believing.
It is silent now, no birds singing, and the rustling of bushes
is even quieter. I know what is about to happen, she is coming. The
air is still a little brisk, but the sense of it brushing my face is not as I
felt on the way up here. The time is near, and then it happens.
She slowly manifests out of nothing, hovering a little, her
pure white gown is moving listlessly and is almost too bright to look upon. The
movement to me is ever so slight, she is only a few feet away and I am stunned
as usual. She is looking directly at me, with a little smile, we do not communicate
with words. Everything is in mind; her soft voice is so crisp and wonderful. She heard my prayers to see her one more time. Was thrilled to find
this wonderful area. Isn’t Mother Nature a wonderment in her own rights? I said
she is and what I was looking at in front of me is also beautiful. Oh, she goes
on about how nice that is. She explained that being here was something she
looked forward to because it was so wonderful looking at all the colors and
surrounding green trees.
I asked why she picked me to allow this miracle to happen.
She explained my pain when lost my daughter, and wife, at the same time. The
moment in my realm was so disturbing, that you seemed to give up. I knew what needed
to be done. Your wife and child are well within your understanding of what
heaven is called by mortals who have belief and faith in the Lord’s plain or a
place far-reaching the soul’s outer comprehension of His realm. I am at a
different level of life force. And when someone such as yourself loses all
perspective of wanting to move on in life, the darkness moves in to make your
faith and belief become nothing. No feelings, deep depression, all goodness is
lost amongst the darkness, you were well into a place of no return and might
move out of living altogether yourself.
I sat and thought of how bad I felt. I lost all perspective
of what living was about. She was right, the nights came without wanting to see
the next day. I missed them so much, it hurt. No sleep, drinking, not seeing
anybody for months. I slowly began to just barely exist. That is when I found
this path one day, I am sure she made it happen, she came out of nowhere and
explained to me about the darkness and how it took my thought process and changed
my life force for wanting to live. The faith and belief I had was gone. But she
began to make me understand where my wife and child were. How in their realm of the spiritual entity was still able to see how my life force was in trouble. We
came together and I used their faith and belief to fill your heart again with
love and knowing they were all right and did not have to stop being in the
darkness. I was a different person when came back home that day. I got all my
bottles of alcohol and threw them out. I got the pictures of his wife and child
and started to believe in life again. Even when they are not here with him,
they will be in his heart, and still madly in love with them. My world began to
change, everything was different. I got out, walked, and went to see friends,
got a wonderful job speaking to others who were lost such as me.
I read the bible, and pray more, have not gone to a church yet.
And love life throughout my spirit, that life force which is in all of us. We
just need to learn to tap into that inward touch upon the heart with God’s help
and the belief of having our lost loved ones, near and dear, to our spiritual
entity of this plain of life, our world as it is to us. We control the
decisions and bring within us the living without that dark mentality that will
destroy the path of what our destiny is put here for us to create and follow.
She was a miracle and made my living with reality I understood completely.
There was no wrong perspective, only the love of life and having faith in the
Lord again. He was always there, and I only needed to seek His life force, His
love for me, to begin the life I felt inward my spirit.
She slowly backed away, still hovering, my angel never had
to say anything as she became a whisp of fresh air on my face. I felt so
wonderful and alive. This was going to be the last of our time together, which
was fine, I understood what I needed to do and will conduct my mission of
giving people a place in the heart for loving life again. I began my walk home,
leaving this meadow of wonderment for the last time. Who knows, someone may
happen upon it such as I, and find their own miracle within the breeze of the
forest, brisk as it is, it still feels wonderful.
White Eagle's Gorge
Running through the forest will not be a problem. The path
is treacherous and up and down the mountain. Some spots are only a foot wide,
but this must be done to get to the gorge. White Eagle was prepared though for
the worst. He has run in the forest for many years, been on the same path he
will trek for the passage of the gorge. His father, the Chief, has shown him
what he must do to be considered a warrior, part of his path when it is time to
be Chief. This run today is partly on the trail he will be running tomorrow.
The rocks and pebbles are hurting his feet and throwing him out of balance. He
turned the path’s corner and immediately fell, rolling down the small incline.
White Eagle lay for some time. He needed to feel his body’s condition, checking
for broken bones, or twisted something. White Eagle got up and for a quick
thought decided to head back home but kept running the trail till stopping at
the spot he originally decided to stop and turn back.
When got back home White Eagle could see some scratches and
scrapes. His mother put some sab on them and shook her head. She knew what was
going to happen and she could do nothing to make it stop. Her role as a Native
American mother of the tribe was to encourage and support the decision to run
the path to the gorge. White Eagle knew that and discussed with his mother the
path and what would take to run such a dangerous path to the gorge. Nothing
else was said about him running. The day was here.
White Eagle began the path very early in the morning. He was
walking it at first then broke into a run. Parts of the beginning, where it
splits off the trail and becomes its pathway, rocks, and pebbles are difficult,
hurting his feet. Past that part of the trail, it begins to climb a little in
altitude, making it difficult to breathe for White Eagle. He has conditioned
himself to not let it bother him. He is running much faster now but soon will
have to slow down because of the foot-wide path before him. This will slow the
pace but not stop him from running toward the gorge. The next turn is coming up
and must be done right or he could slip and fall off the path. White Eagle
quickly made the turn and followed the path’s direction without incident. Soon
the gorge would be near. He can hear the water rushing across the rocks and
down the waterfall.
The trail now was getting
higher, more inclined with the path, White Eagle had to be sure of his footing,
the path was narrow and rocky, and nothing but heavy bushes were lining the
path. Each step made a little puff of dirt, a small cloud of dust. White Eagle
was getting tired. He picked up the pace, made the next two turns of the path,
and finally heard the water rushing through the gorge. Nearer the path’s end,
just before the jump was to be made, was a small hump, a little berm that could
mess everything up if not planted with the foot at the point of jumping. White
Eagle was running quicker now, the breeze on his face was a little damp, which
meant it was time to concentrate on what needed to be done, jump the gorge.
Another turn and it was time.
White Eagle started running as fast as he could, and the turn was
approached by White Eagle, the noise was deafening, and he could not stop. As
White Eagle came to the spot to jump, he planted his foot right at the edge of
the berm. He could feel himself rise into the air, but, his other foot tipped
the top of the berm, he was making a shorter ending to the jump. White Eagle
did not let that thought bother him. He positioned himself in the air and felt
as if flying like an Eagle. The other side of the path, where it begins, was
coming up fast and short. White Eagle knew this was going to happen and kept
his mind focused on the path only and the landing. White Eagle came up short,
fell about ten feet along the side of the gorge, and grabbed a small tree to
stop. He was bleeding, his head hurt, and looked down along the wall to the
gorge below. Then back up to the top.
He kept thinking of the climb up, it took nearly four hours
to make the climb and roll onto the path’s beginning from the other side of the
gorge. It was about noon now, and he needed to get back home. He wanted to tell his
father about the jump. What he didn’t know was his father watching him jump the
gorge and fall short of the edge. From a different place higher up on the
mountain. He was proud of White Eagle and told him when he talked to him at
home. White Eagle was ecstatic, and the tribe was going their praise also.
Soon, he was running back down the path and turning around where the path
ended. White Eagle felt good and glad he jumped the gorge. Now, he was a true
warrior, his people would look upon him differently. He thought of how his
being Chief one day would impact the tribe. He could see himself and become
stronger in spirit so his knowledge and wisdom will show through them, helping
and giving direction when needed. Almost a Shaman in a way but he was not that
special, he would make improvements with what he knew though. White Eagle
talked to his father many times about what happens when White Eagle becomes
Chief.
His father would look at White Eagle and smile. He knew how
special White Eagle was and would be a great Chief. White Eagle was running the
path today. Following the way it made its way through the forest, he became one
in thought. Allowing the Great Spirit to show his truth, White Eagle was then
at the edge of the gorge, he looked all over the valley and gave praise for the
Great Spirit to make him strong and full of wisdom. He stood there for a very
long time, listening to the water rush through the gorge and over the
waterfall. The one he jumped over…
The Old Woman and the Fairy
As the path begins to wind through the forest, a serene
moment seems to appear from nowhere. The movements are slow but methodical,
flowers and trees move about from a light wind, and the night begins to
approach to say, “I have arrived and all is well”. The surreal of the night is
becoming more prominent now and continues throughout the darkened hours. Soon,
the sunrise will be the beginning of the daylight hours, giving what is needed
for the path to show the winding it takes to the valley below. Moments of
surreality are still in the wind and movements of the foilage are waving for
their dance.
The path has come to the bottom of the valley, beginning
again with some more different winding and curves where the path shows cliffs
and dangerous ways. As trekking the path throughout the day it becomes less
dangerous and more filled with smooth passages as walking through the valley.
There again the serenity is back and stronger, more defined, giving the air a
quietness yet still making slow methodical movements of the foliage, and the
singing pine trees are making their song heard.
The end of the path is coming soon, ending at an old part of
the forest, nearly to the front door of an old cabin. There is rustling inside,
someone is doing something. There is calm in the forest. The flowers and such
are beginning to stop flowing with the wind, and night is approaching again. This
time it is coming fast and hours go by which seems minutes have passed. The
door opens and a fragile old woman steps out. She begins her walk down the path
and makes her way toward the water from the stream. She takes a bucket full and
goes back into the cabin. The air is crisp and moving ever so slowly. She opens
the door again and stands on the porch looking toward the stream, listening to
the forest speak at night. There is so much to say from all that meanders here
and there, or the nature sounds heard only at night.
Off in the distance, there is a bright flutter of wings seen
and heard, it is quick in movement and stops just a few inches from the old
woman. Fluttering in front of her and moving here and there, the fairy doesn’t
say anything but knows the old woman has something for her. When went down to
the stream she picked some special flowers found only in this forest. As if
just for the fairies to feast on. The old woman held out the flower and the
fairy immediately settled on it and started to eat little tidbits of the
flower. It was fascinating to watch the fairy perched upon the flower and
taking such specks of the flower to eat. She has been doing this for many
years. And knew when the fairies were close. It was that surreal feeling as
passing through the forest, those moments of noises heard at night, ever so
lightly, but they are there.
The fairy quickly fluttered itself by the face of the old
woman and lightly brushed its wings against the harsh skin of the woman. It was
its way of thanking her for the meal. The sun was beginning to come up for
another day. The fairy quickly and almost silently whisked its way through the
forest, to her special place of hiding and sleeping. The old woman turned and
went inside to do the same, sleep. The forest was busy with the sounds of
daylight. Nature’s way of saying she was alive and gave the forest whatever it
needed throughout the days, with flowers growing, greenery abounding, and life
moving on as planned, from day to day.
Redemption for Misleading Mindless Wandering
Moving The Spirit
Where Evil Lay Within
How does one find the courage to keep the darkness at bay,
away, I say, away from my beating heart. It is not the manner of the degree
that evil can do. Still, the insatiable touch it holds what seems like an eternity and fortitude we who are cursed with a darkened moving my strength. Hence, the world
outside is demented and cruel, and devastation becomes the norm of things,
internally that is. I am hungover again, sitting on the edge of the bed, my
mind is meandering through the hours before just what I did. I have no clue as
to how I got here but the darkness is the culprit which is partly responsible,
for my disillusioned mental state, it is not just alcohol. I convince myself of
that as I slowly get up and move toward the bathroom. Thee, I may eliminate
last night’s moments of drunkenness where it belongs, into that white porcelain, and thus, I start anew.
My head is still pounding, that darkened cloud of
devastation set upon my soul is ever so demanding. I must do something I really
do not want to do. See my ex-wife and my kid who hates me. They both do not
get it; I am possessed by this evilness and have been for a long
time. I say I will kill myself just to show evil, there you bastard, I won. The
walk to the bus station is non-eventful, the sun is out but it burns my eyes if I do not wear these dark glasses. I barely make it to the station, I am hungover, and have no strength to walk as I do for only one mile. Oh, the darkness of my
soul, do not your ways have to be so fucking hard on my body as well? In
time, I will find a way to make you beg for mercy before I cut your fucking
head off, even if do it in the dream state I am in all the time.
There is hardly anybody on the bus, which makes it better
for me, not so much background noise. Sometimes the people are purposely raving
as loud as they can, so it seems anyway. More aspirin, warm water which I hate,
and time is not on my side, ever. The bus comes to my stop. There are trees and
foliage I should notice for the comfort that may bring because of the beauty
presiding over one’s senses. I really do not give a shit right now, as evil singing
that phrase in my head. Much too often. The door is only a few feet from me,
and I am having a tough time going up to it and knocking, I always do. This
makes my stomach even worse than it already is. I knock, wait, and knock again.
The door swings open and she, my ex, slams the door back closed. Even knowing I
was coming she has no shame, no empathy, but I cannot blame her. And evil
weighs heavy upon my shoulders, bringing with it the darkness for which I am
constantly living.
I have been sitting on the steps for a little over an hour,
trying to get enough courage to knock again. Then, there was a slow creaking
sound from the door, it usually did that if opened slowly. Ronny was standing
just inside the house and almost covered by the door itself. I looked at him
and could not believe how much he had grown. My son, he was just two it seems. I
said quietly,
“Hello, Ronny.”
“Hi, are you drunk?”
I said a little louder, “No I am not drunk.”
“Then why did mom slam the door on you?”
“Son, I have no idea.”
I asked nicely, “Can I come in and talk to you? Catch up on what
is going on in your life?”
He waited a long time before answering, “Okay, come in and
be quiet. We can go up to my room.”
“Thanks, kid.”
We both were tip-toeing as we were going up the stairs. Each
creak took my breath away. His room had changed, you could see he was growing
and in with the times. I had forgotten his craving for reading, he had journals
everywhere, and he was into writing as well.
“I will be right back, don’t touch anything and be quiet!”
Okay, he is the man of the house now. I was proud of his
demanding attitude, which made him so much more of an adult. But there was
something a little odd about him, his mannerisms were different. Well, I have
not seen him for quite some time. I need three more aspirins. It is going to be
a miracle to get through this and back outside without a big argument with
Carol. I was being a little nosy though, and picked up one of his journals. I
wanted to see his writing style if I had time. I looked at the door and stood
for a second to hear anything going on outside. Nothing, so I opened his journal
a few months ago. He was explaining the lousy way he and his friend were being
treated at school dances. Nothing out of the ordinary happens to a lot of
kids these days. Then, I hit pay dirt and was absolutely floored. Ronny
explained how much he and Robert were in love, and wanted to move to the next step
of the relationship. I could not believe it, he was gay.
I put the journal back just as I found it. Went over to the
window and looked out down the street. Wondering If I could have known sooner
in his life, watched him grow up, and saw the difference in his mannerisms. Not
that it bothered me, I am okay with it, but how do I get him to tell me so I
can explain how I feel about him being gay. Ronny slowly came from the hall and
sat down on the bed.
“Mom is taking a nap; she does this often. Something she
picked up from one of the housewife’s gurus who thinks she is the next best
thing to living a well-lived life. Mom thinks her beliefs are helping her cope
with all that has been going on with you leaving.”
“Ronny, we got a divorce, I did not just leave, I was kicked
out of the house. And yes, it was my fault it ended up the way it did. You see
son, I do not know if you are going to understand what I am about to tell you.”
Ronny looked a little scared, or he felt he was going to be
told something he was not ready to divulge.
“I have been in the dumps since the divorce. My mentality is
being held hostage by the darkness that is controlled by evil. I drink too
much, and have horrible hangovers, before I came here, I was feeling terrible,
since talking with you I have felt better.”
“Why don’t you get help?” Ronny said with hesitation.
“Because I am afraid. Afraid of what this darkened cloud
will do to my soul if try to remove it. I know it sounds odd to you, but it is
the basis for my existence as it is now. Maybe if you help, I can get the
courage to fight it.” I said with a quiver in my voice.
Ronny sat there for a while; I could tell he was trying to
bring the words out. He too had a heavy burden to carry and did not know what
to say for me to understand his dilemma.
“Dad?”
“Yes.”
“I am going to tell you something I have told to no one
else. Please, please, try to understand where I am coming from, and how I am
feeling about it, do not get upset enough to wake Mom.”
“Go ahead, son.”
Ronny says with some strong conviction behind his words, “I
am Gay. I am who I am and like myself as I am. I have a boyfriend, and we love
each other, he has come out to his parents, and they were understanding, and accepted
the fact of him being gay. Obviously, they know I am too, but I never mentioned
the fact to them. I want to come out to Mom and everybody but like you, it is a
challenging thing to get the courage.”
I took some time to answer that statement he made too. I
know it took guts to do that, and he has the courage just does not know how to
get it out of his inner self. I listen to myself, and, oddly, both of us
have the same problem but for several reasons.
“Ronny, I am going to make a long, drawn-out comment. I do
not care that you are gay. You were born that way, and there is nothing you or
anyone can do to try and change the fact that being gay is not a choice.
God made you who you are, and knowing that you like yourself as you are, is a
wonderful thing. I love you Ronny, and nothing will ever take that from me.
You, unlike me, have courage right at your deepest part of the spirit. You
always had it and now, you reach deep inside and tell the world, I am Ronny Cornell
Simpson, and I am gay and loving it! That fact will remove the burden you carry
like me, but for different reasons. Saying all this to you is making me
stronger and now I know what I need to do to fight the battle I carry around in
myself.”
Ronny looked like he was on top of the world, he ran to me
and hugged me as if no tomorrow, sheesh he was strong. We had tears in our
eyes, never said anything about crying but we knew how glad he was to find what
he needed to move on in life. I on the other hand felt bad that I could not be
as strong as Robby. I was the adult here and should have the courage to kill
the evilness attached to my soul.
“Dad, are you going to go and get help?”
I looked at him and feeling terrible I do not have the
courage he does, lied.
“Yes, son, I will go and find the help needed to rid this
evil, dark cloud, hanging onto my soul.”
I sounded odd to myself talking in that manner. He does not
understand my own knowledge of how the spirit is held hostage if not strong and
uses the Higher Power to be in control of myself.
“Dad, are you really going to a rehab center, do you need
mom to take you?”
“I will take myself, thanks, she would rather see me suffer
with my demons than take me to Rehab.”
“I am going to go right now, and you can be sure I will be
back to see you. I have learned a great deal about my son today, and you are full
of courage, more than I am at this point. You keep your head up, be strong in your
convictions, and do not let anybody tell you that being gay is anything but
what God made you.”
He smiled and gave me another hug. I was taken aback by the hug;
he was never that close to me to give that much attention. His mother can be at
fault for that. I went to the front door, quietly went out, and heard inside,
“You what, how could you not wake me with him in the house!”
I just turned and went to the bus stop. Sat a while until
the bus came and reflected on everything I went through with my son. I had no
idea who he was until a few hours ago. And now I need a drink. The demon was
hounding me and telling me to fill his gut full of drink. The night was coming,
and I had put off the bar for a few hours. It is becoming harder each hour that
goes by. If I wait, they will be closed soon, and I can battle tomorrow whether
I will go to Rehab or drink myself into a delirious pitiful human being. I want
out of evil’s grasp on me. The time has come, and it needs to end. The thought
brought chills to my thought process, the Rehab scared me to death as well, and
the thought of continued drinking with evil controlled my mental life and
soul. I waited some more and did not give much thought as to what would happen
tomorrow. All I knew was going to be a change and how I was going to live
amongst the normal was the only mental capabilities I could muster up.
The time for sleep was slowly approaching, I am so damned tired,
and I need to sleep without drinking to oblivion taking me there. I slept. It
was a restless night, tossing and turning, bad dreams would wake me on occasion,
but I would fall back to sleep. Till awakened again by my strife with evil and
fighting his tormented ways. I woke up early and sat on the edge of the bed
trying to keep my head from hurting. I do not know why the headache is. I guess
the next thing to do is take something to make it stop. I got dressed and ate a
small bowl of cereal. I looked out the kitchen window for a long time, noticed
the green trees, and the grounds in the apartment, and knew it was time to go to
Rehab. It was on the way to Robby’s house, so I knew where it was. The bus let
me out about a block away. It was the longest walk I made, seemed to go on
forever, and the end game was me walking through the main door with the
expectation of starting anew in life.
I stopped and sat on the steps leading up to the door. I was
there for about a half hour when the front door opened, and a pastor came out
and sat next to me.
“Seems you are having a tough time making the final decision
to walk through the door and change your life.”
“Yes, Father, my demons are dead set against me not drinking
myself to oblivion every night.”
“You know the strength of God will give you what is needed
to literally remove those demons from your soul’s inner habitual drinking ways.”
“I would like to believe that, but my praying goes nowhere,
and the self-denial I am a drunk, just makes it worse internally to accept any
kind of belief God will help me.”
“He has been with you since you were born, keeping you from
harm's way as drinking, and bringing you here, at this moment, to being
righteously knowing the Devine of the Lord has always been with you. Come my
son, come with me, and begin a new life where the end is never thought about
again.”
“I am scared it will not work, and those demons are just
going to be hiding till get out of Rehab. Driving me back to the bar, and the
tormented ways drinking does to one’s soul.”
We sat for a few minutes more and the pastor asked,
“Are you feeling anything right now except fear?”
“No, not really, I am just a little scared of what will
happen as enter through those doors.”
“Well,” the pastor began to say.
“The way to one’s mental state is not what you think, those
doors are your salvation, a clear entrance to a journey where the design is
fulfilling and feelings of betterment toward yourself.”
I turned and looked at him, the pastor was not incredibly
old which I thought was odd. He should be an old man, knowing God’s ways for
many years, having the knowledge and wisdom one gets in his position from years
of dealing with people being saved.
I asked,
“Why are you here, I mean shouldn’t you be at a church doing
sermons?”
“I am here because my calling is too bring people such as
yourself, through those doors and see what God can do for you His strength is
always there when needed, if you feel like drinking, not only your sponsor will
help but praying will be the norm of things as go from day to day, one step at
a time.”
“Okay Father, open the door, quickly before I chicken out
and go to the bar. I need a drink, and the demons are rampant with desire for drink.”
He got up, took my hand, and opened the door, and there at
that moment in time, I was not lost or felt deepened by fear, all I felt inside
was relief. A real-life feeling of hope, and that was the beginning of never
having the demons with me again. They were cast out by God and never to pass my
spirit again, never to hold my soul with their grasp of demented ways to make
living life so hard. I in an instant of time had hope. It was there all along I
had no way to bring it to my inner self so the door to living life was given
to me and the blessing it provided was the beginning of a new look through
the clouds of darkness, seeing the light of life for the first time in a very
long time.
So, I Keep Praying
I have fallen and cannot find my way,
It is dark and there is no way out,
because there is no light.
Why have you forsaken me,
I have done all you asked me to do.
Now alone, you are nowhere to be found.
So, the end seems near,
I have found my life was short,
but I will see you when all is said and done,
I have missed you,
I still love you, my darling,
I will come to you.
Now, I have some light.
I no longer need to fight,
for your love.
Thank you, Lord,
I have your light of life,
all I needed was to believe and have faith,
it is now clear you have been with me on my journey all the
time
I have found my way,
through love and hate,
how I love you so,
my darling, you are loved also,
for the journey is coming to an end,
I have you with me,
I have the Lord with me,
my road is filled with light, so my way is clear,
and I will persevere,
into the light I go,
now, it is here that I found my way,
it is there you are here,
love is the key.
And I have it all,
you are my destiny and grateful for my life,
hello and goodbye,
we are coming through it all, together,
I am now content and home in my heart,
together and insisting on holding up to the
challenge for life and faith.
Here I now lay and find my way,
loving all, and being loved is the way,
there is the journey’s end.
I now may sleep and be happy, together with
you and Him, for this I am grateful.
Humbled and love you, forever,
till there is no time left except when I am needed,
together we will not deny the dream we desire.
It is here and being in love,
that I will not fail,
found my way,
He has led the way,
for that I am final and complete,
time has no feat,
fate has not come,
for me,
so, I keep praying.
A Changed Moment
I am walking a path down into the forest. The day is nearly
perfect, the air is a little brisk but feels so good on my face. I can hear the
river ahead; it is a little ruff in the area I am close to. I know what I
am heading to. My spot, a wonderment of my sight which will behold something
that is a miracle, to me it is. I am coming into a slight clearing, not excessively
big, the surroundings are beautiful. The trees are whispering their song, and the
foliage is all colors of the rainbow. I slowly walk to my rock, perfect for
sitting on. I hope what I came to see is going to happen. It had only been once
before, and I was so awe-struck that all I could do was sit and look at an image
that I still had a tough time believing.
It is silent now, no birds singing, and the rustling of bushes
is even quieter. I know what is about to happen, she is coming. The
air is still a little brisk, but the sense of it brushing my face is not as I
felt on the way up here. The time is near, and then it happens.
She slowly manifests out of nothing, hovering a little, her
pure white gown is moving listlessly and is almost too bright to look upon. The
movement to me is ever so slight, she is only a few feet away and I am stunned
as usual. She is looking directly at me, with a little smile, we do not communicate
with words. Everything is in mind; her soft voice is so crisp and wonderful. She heard my prayers to see her one more time. Was thrilled to find
this wonderful area. Isn’t Mother Nature a wonderment in her own rights? I said
she is and what I was looking at in front of me is also beautiful. Oh, she goes
on about how nice that is. She explained that being here was something she
looked forward to because it was so wonderful looking at all the colors and
surrounding green trees.
I asked why she picked me to allow this miracle to happen.
She explained my pain when lost my daughter, and wife, at the same time. The
moment in my realm was so disturbing, that you seemed to give up. I knew what needed
to be done. Your wife and child are well within your understanding of what
heaven is called by mortals who have belief and faith in the Lord’s plain or a
place far-reaching the soul’s outer comprehension of His realm. I am at a
different level of life force. And when someone such as yourself loses all
perspective of wanting to move on in life, the darkness moves in to make your
faith and belief become nothing. No feelings, deep depression, all goodness is
lost amongst the darkness, you were well into a place of no return and might
move out of living altogether yourself.
I sat and thought of how bad I felt. I lost all perspective
of what living was about. She was right, the nights came without wanting to see
the next day. I missed them so much, it hurt. No sleep, drinking, not seeing
anybody for months. I slowly began to just barely exist. That is when I found
this path one day, I am sure she made it happen, she came out of nowhere and
explained to me about the darkness and how it took my thought process and changed
my life force for wanting to live. The faith and belief I had was gone. But she
began to make me understand where my wife and child were. How in their realm of the spiritual entity was still able to see how my life force was in trouble. We
came together and I used their faith and belief to fill your heart again with
love and knowing they were all right and did not have to stop being in the
darkness. I was a different person when came back home that day. I got all my
bottles of alcohol and threw them out. I got the pictures of his wife and child
and started to believe in life again. Even when they are not here with him,
they will be in his heart, and still madly in love with them. My world began to
change, everything was different. I got out, walked, and went to see friends,
got a wonderful job speaking to others who were lost such as me.
I read the bible, and pray more, have not gone to a church yet.
And love life throughout my spirit, that life force which is in all of us. We
just need to learn to tap into that inward touch upon the heart with God’s help
and the belief of having our lost loved ones, near and dear, to our spiritual
entity of this plain of life, our world as it is to us. We control the
decisions and bring within us the living without that dark mentality that will
destroy the path of what our destiny is put here for us to create and follow.
She was a miracle and made my living with reality I understood completely.
There was no wrong perspective, only the love of life and having faith in the
Lord again. He was always there, and I only needed to seek His life force, His
love for me, to begin the life I felt inward my spirit.
She slowly backed away, still hovering, my angel never had
to say anything as she became a whisp of fresh air on my face. I felt so
wonderful and alive. This was going to be the last of our time together, which
was fine, I understood what I needed to do and will conduct my mission of
giving people a place in the heart for loving life again. I began my walk home,
leaving this meadow of wonderment for the last time. Who knows, someone may
happen upon it such as I, and find their own miracle within the breeze of the
forest, brisk as it is, it still feels wonderful.
White Eagle's Gorge
Running through the forest will not be a problem. The path
is treacherous and up and down the mountain. Some spots are only a foot wide,
but this must be done to get to the gorge. White Eagle was prepared though for
the worst. He has run in the forest for many years, been on the same path he
will trek for the passage of the gorge. His father, the Chief, has shown him
what he must do to be considered a warrior, part of his path when it is time to
be Chief. This run today is partly on the trail he will be running tomorrow.
The rocks and pebbles are hurting his feet and throwing him out of balance. He
turned the path’s corner and immediately fell, rolling down the small incline.
White Eagle lay for some time. He needed to feel his body’s condition, checking
for broken bones, or twisted something. White Eagle got up and for a quick
thought decided to head back home but kept running the trail till stopping at
the spot he originally decided to stop and turn back.
When got back home White Eagle could see some scratches and
scrapes. His mother put some sab on them and shook her head. She knew what was
going to happen and she could do nothing to make it stop. Her role as a Native
American mother of the tribe was to encourage and support the decision to run
the path to the gorge. White Eagle knew that and discussed with his mother the
path and what would take to run such a dangerous path to the gorge. Nothing
else was said about him running. The day was here.
White Eagle began the path very early in the morning. He was
walking it at first then broke into a run. Parts of the beginning, where it
splits off the trail and becomes its pathway, rocks, and pebbles are difficult,
hurting his feet. Past that part of the trail, it begins to climb a little in
altitude, making it difficult to breathe for White Eagle. He has conditioned
himself to not let it bother him. He is running much faster now but soon will
have to slow down because of the foot-wide path before him. This will slow the
pace but not stop him from running toward the gorge. The next turn is coming up
and must be done right or he could slip and fall off the path. White Eagle
quickly made the turn and followed the path’s direction without incident. Soon
the gorge would be near. He can hear the water rushing across the rocks and
down the waterfall.
The trail now was getting
higher, more inclined with the path, White Eagle had to be sure of his footing,
the path was narrow and rocky, and nothing but heavy bushes were lining the
path. Each step made a little puff of dirt, a small cloud of dust. White Eagle
was getting tired. He picked up the pace, made the next two turns of the path,
and finally heard the water rushing through the gorge. Nearer the path’s end,
just before the jump was to be made, was a small hump, a little berm that could
mess everything up if not planted with the foot at the point of jumping. White
Eagle was running quicker now, the breeze on his face was a little damp, which
meant it was time to concentrate on what needed to be done, jump the gorge.
Another turn and it was time.
Where Evil Lay Within
How does one find the courage to keep the darkness at bay,
away, I say, away from my beating heart. It is not the manner of the degree
that evil can do. Still, the insatiable touch it holds what seems like an eternity and fortitude we who are cursed with a darkened moving my strength. Hence, the world
outside is demented and cruel, and devastation becomes the norm of things,
internally that is. I am hungover again, sitting on the edge of the bed, my
mind is meandering through the hours before just what I did. I have no clue as
to how I got here but the darkness is the culprit which is partly responsible,
for my disillusioned mental state, it is not just alcohol. I convince myself of
that as I slowly get up and move toward the bathroom. Thee, I may eliminate
last night’s moments of drunkenness where it belongs, into that white porcelain, and thus, I start anew.
My head is still pounding, that darkened cloud of
devastation set upon my soul is ever so demanding. I must do something I really
do not want to do. See my ex-wife and my kid who hates me. They both do not
get it; I am possessed by this evilness and have been for a long
time. I say I will kill myself just to show evil, there you bastard, I won. The
walk to the bus station is non-eventful, the sun is out but it burns my eyes if I do not wear these dark glasses. I barely make it to the station, I am hungover, and have no strength to walk as I do for only one mile. Oh, the darkness of my
soul, do not your ways have to be so fucking hard on my body as well? In
time, I will find a way to make you beg for mercy before I cut your fucking
head off, even if do it in the dream state I am in all the time.
There is hardly anybody on the bus, which makes it better
for me, not so much background noise. Sometimes the people are purposely raving
as loud as they can, so it seems anyway. More aspirin, warm water which I hate,
and time is not on my side, ever. The bus comes to my stop. There are trees and
foliage I should notice for the comfort that may bring because of the beauty
presiding over one’s senses. I really do not give a shit right now, as evil singing
that phrase in my head. Much too often. The door is only a few feet from me,
and I am having a tough time going up to it and knocking, I always do. This
makes my stomach even worse than it already is. I knock, wait, and knock again.
The door swings open and she, my ex, slams the door back closed. Even knowing I
was coming she has no shame, no empathy, but I cannot blame her. And evil
weighs heavy upon my shoulders, bringing with it the darkness for which I am
constantly living.
I have been sitting on the steps for a little over an hour,
trying to get enough courage to knock again. Then, there was a slow creaking
sound from the door, it usually did that if opened slowly. Ronny was standing
just inside the house and almost covered by the door itself. I looked at him
and could not believe how much he had grown. My son, he was just two it seems. I
said quietly,
“Hello, Ronny.”
“Hi, are you drunk?”
I said a little louder, “No I am not drunk.”
“Then why did mom slam the door on you?”
“Son, I have no idea.”
I asked nicely, “Can I come in and talk to you? Catch up on what
is going on in your life?”
He waited a long time before answering, “Okay, come in and
be quiet. We can go up to my room.”
“Thanks, kid.”
We both were tip-toeing as we were going up the stairs. Each
creak took my breath away. His room had changed, you could see he was growing
and in with the times. I had forgotten his craving for reading, he had journals
everywhere, and he was into writing as well.
“I will be right back, don’t touch anything and be quiet!”
Okay, he is the man of the house now. I was proud of his
demanding attitude, which made him so much more of an adult. But there was
something a little odd about him, his mannerisms were different. Well, I have
not seen him for quite some time. I need three more aspirins. It is going to be
a miracle to get through this and back outside without a big argument with
Carol. I was being a little nosy though, and picked up one of his journals. I
wanted to see his writing style if I had time. I looked at the door and stood
for a second to hear anything going on outside. Nothing, so I opened his journal
a few months ago. He was explaining the lousy way he and his friend were being
treated at school dances. Nothing out of the ordinary happens to a lot of
kids these days. Then, I hit pay dirt and was absolutely floored. Ronny
explained how much he and Robert were in love, and wanted to move to the next step
of the relationship. I could not believe it, he was gay.
I put the journal back just as I found it. Went over to the
window and looked out down the street. Wondering If I could have known sooner
in his life, watched him grow up, and saw the difference in his mannerisms. Not
that it bothered me, I am okay with it, but how do I get him to tell me so I
can explain how I feel about him being gay. Ronny slowly came from the hall and
sat down on the bed.
“Mom is taking a nap; she does this often. Something she
picked up from one of the housewife’s gurus who thinks she is the next best
thing to living a well-lived life. Mom thinks her beliefs are helping her cope
with all that has been going on with you leaving.”
“Ronny, we got a divorce, I did not just leave, I was kicked
out of the house. And yes, it was my fault it ended up the way it did. You see
son, I do not know if you are going to understand what I am about to tell you.”
Ronny looked a little scared, or he felt he was going to be
told something he was not ready to divulge.
“I have been in the dumps since the divorce. My mentality is
being held hostage by the darkness that is controlled by evil. I drink too
much, and have horrible hangovers, before I came here, I was feeling terrible,
since talking with you I have felt better.”
“Why don’t you get help?” Ronny said with hesitation.
“Because I am afraid. Afraid of what this darkened cloud
will do to my soul if try to remove it. I know it sounds odd to you, but it is
the basis for my existence as it is now. Maybe if you help, I can get the
courage to fight it.” I said with a quiver in my voice.
Ronny sat there for a while; I could tell he was trying to
bring the words out. He too had a heavy burden to carry and did not know what
to say for me to understand his dilemma.
“Dad?”
“Yes.”
“I am going to tell you something I have told to no one
else. Please, please, try to understand where I am coming from, and how I am
feeling about it, do not get upset enough to wake Mom.”
“Go ahead, son.”
Ronny says with some strong conviction behind his words, “I
am Gay. I am who I am and like myself as I am. I have a boyfriend, and we love
each other, he has come out to his parents, and they were understanding, and accepted
the fact of him being gay. Obviously, they know I am too, but I never mentioned
the fact to them. I want to come out to Mom and everybody but like you, it is a
challenging thing to get the courage.”
I took some time to answer that statement he made too. I
know it took guts to do that, and he has the courage just does not know how to
get it out of his inner self. I listen to myself, and, oddly, both of us
have the same problem but for several reasons.
“Ronny, I am going to make a long, drawn-out comment. I do
not care that you are gay. You were born that way, and there is nothing you or
anyone can do to try and change the fact that being gay is not a choice.
God made you who you are, and knowing that you like yourself as you are, is a
wonderful thing. I love you Ronny, and nothing will ever take that from me.
You, unlike me, have courage right at your deepest part of the spirit. You
always had it and now, you reach deep inside and tell the world, I am Ronny Cornell
Simpson, and I am gay and loving it! That fact will remove the burden you carry
like me, but for different reasons. Saying all this to you is making me
stronger and now I know what I need to do to fight the battle I carry around in
myself.”
Ronny looked like he was on top of the world, he ran to me
and hugged me as if no tomorrow, sheesh he was strong. We had tears in our
eyes, never said anything about crying but we knew how glad he was to find what
he needed to move on in life. I on the other hand felt bad that I could not be
as strong as Robby. I was the adult here and should have the courage to kill
the evilness attached to my soul.
“Dad, are you going to go and get help?”
I looked at him and feeling terrible I do not have the
courage he does, lied.
“Yes, son, I will go and find the help needed to rid this
evil, dark cloud, hanging onto my soul.”
I sounded odd to myself talking in that manner. He does not
understand my own knowledge of how the spirit is held hostage if not strong and
uses the Higher Power to be in control of myself.
“Dad, are you really going to a rehab center, do you need
mom to take you?”
“I will take myself, thanks, she would rather see me suffer
with my demons than take me to Rehab.”
“I am going to go right now, and you can be sure I will be
back to see you. I have learned a great deal about my son today, and you are full
of courage, more than I am at this point. You keep your head up, be strong in your
convictions, and do not let anybody tell you that being gay is anything but
what God made you.”
He smiled and gave me another hug. I was taken aback by the hug;
he was never that close to me to give that much attention. His mother can be at
fault for that. I went to the front door, quietly went out, and heard inside,
“You what, how could you not wake me with him in the house!”
I just turned and went to the bus stop. Sat a while until
the bus came and reflected on everything I went through with my son. I had no
idea who he was until a few hours ago. And now I need a drink. The demon was
hounding me and telling me to fill his gut full of drink. The night was coming,
and I had put off the bar for a few hours. It is becoming harder each hour that
goes by. If I wait, they will be closed soon, and I can battle tomorrow whether
I will go to Rehab or drink myself into a delirious pitiful human being. I want
out of evil’s grasp on me. The time has come, and it needs to end. The thought
brought chills to my thought process, the Rehab scared me to death as well, and
the thought of continued drinking with evil controlled my mental life and
soul. I waited some more and did not give much thought as to what would happen
tomorrow. All I knew was going to be a change and how I was going to live
amongst the normal was the only mental capabilities I could muster up.
The time for sleep was slowly approaching, I am so damned tired,
and I need to sleep without drinking to oblivion taking me there. I slept. It
was a restless night, tossing and turning, bad dreams would wake me on occasion,
but I would fall back to sleep. Till awakened again by my strife with evil and
fighting his tormented ways. I woke up early and sat on the edge of the bed
trying to keep my head from hurting. I do not know why the headache is. I guess
the next thing to do is take something to make it stop. I got dressed and ate a
small bowl of cereal. I looked out the kitchen window for a long time, noticed
the green trees, and the grounds in the apartment, and knew it was time to go to
Rehab. It was on the way to Robby’s house, so I knew where it was. The bus let
me out about a block away. It was the longest walk I made, seemed to go on
forever, and the end game was me walking through the main door with the
expectation of starting anew in life.
I stopped and sat on the steps leading up to the door. I was
there for about a half hour when the front door opened, and a pastor came out
and sat next to me.
“Seems you are having a tough time making the final decision
to walk through the door and change your life.”
“Yes, Father, my demons are dead set against me not drinking
myself to oblivion every night.”
“You know the strength of God will give you what is needed
to literally remove those demons from your soul’s inner habitual drinking ways.”
“I would like to believe that, but my praying goes nowhere,
and the self-denial I am a drunk, just makes it worse internally to accept any
kind of belief God will help me.”
“He has been with you since you were born, keeping you from
harm's way as drinking, and bringing you here, at this moment, to being
righteously knowing the Devine of the Lord has always been with you. Come my
son, come with me, and begin a new life where the end is never thought about
again.”
“I am scared it will not work, and those demons are just
going to be hiding till get out of Rehab. Driving me back to the bar, and the
tormented ways drinking does to one’s soul.”
We sat for a few minutes more and the pastor asked,
“Are you feeling anything right now except fear?”
“No, not really, I am just a little scared of what will
happen as enter through those doors.”
“Well,” the pastor began to say.
“The way to one’s mental state is not what you think, those
doors are your salvation, a clear entrance to a journey where the design is
fulfilling and feelings of betterment toward yourself.”
I turned and looked at him, the pastor was not incredibly
old which I thought was odd. He should be an old man, knowing God’s ways for
many years, having the knowledge and wisdom one gets in his position from years
of dealing with people being saved.
I asked,
“Why are you here, I mean shouldn’t you be at a church doing
sermons?”
“I am here because my calling is too bring people such as
yourself, through those doors and see what God can do for you His strength is
always there when needed, if you feel like drinking, not only your sponsor will
help but praying will be the norm of things as go from day to day, one step at
a time.”
“Okay Father, open the door, quickly before I chicken out
and go to the bar. I need a drink, and the demons are rampant with desire for drink.”
He got up, took my hand, and opened the door, and there at
that moment in time, I was not lost or felt deepened by fear, all I felt inside
was relief. A real-life feeling of hope, and that was the beginning of never
having the demons with me again. They were cast out by God and never to pass my
spirit again, never to hold my soul with their grasp of demented ways to make
living life so hard. I in an instant of time had hope. It was there all along I
had no way to bring it to my inner self so the door to living life was given
to me and the blessing it provided was the beginning of a new look through
the clouds of darkness, seeing the light of life for the first time in a very
long time.
So, I Keep Praying
I have fallen and cannot find my way,
It is dark and there is no way out,
because there is no light.
Why have you forsaken me,
I have done all you asked me to do.
Now alone, you are nowhere to be found.
So, the end seems near,
I have found my life was short,
but I will see you when all is said and done,
I have missed you,
I still love you, my darling,
I will come to you.
Now, I have some light.
I no longer need to fight,
for your love.
Thank you, Lord,
I have your light of life,
all I needed was to believe and have faith,
it is now clear you have been with me on my journey all the
time
I have found my way,
through love and hate,
how I love you so,
my darling, you are loved also,
for the journey is coming to an end,
I have you with me,
I have the Lord with me,
my road is filled with light, so my way is clear,
and I will persevere,
into the light I go,
now, it is here that I found my way,
it is there you are here,
love is the key.
And I have it all,
you are my destiny and grateful for my life,
hello and goodbye,
we are coming through it all, together,
I am now content and home in my heart,
together and insisting on holding up to the
challenge for life and faith.
Here I now lay and find my way,
loving all, and being loved is the way,
there is the journey’s end.
I now may sleep and be happy, together with
you and Him, for this I am grateful.
Humbled and love you, forever,
till there is no time left except when I am needed,
together we will not deny the dream we desire.
It is here and being in love,
that I will not fail,
found my way,
He has led the way,
for that I am final and complete,
time has no feat,
fate has not come,
for me,
so, I keep praying.
A Changed Moment
I am walking a path down into the forest. The day is nearly
perfect, the air is a little brisk but feels so good on my face. I can hear the
river ahead; it is a little ruff in the area I am close to. I know what I
am heading to. My spot, a wonderment of my sight which will behold something
that is a miracle, to me it is. I am coming into a slight clearing, not excessively
big, the surroundings are beautiful. The trees are whispering their song, and the
foliage is all colors of the rainbow. I slowly walk to my rock, perfect for
sitting on. I hope what I came to see is going to happen. It had only been once
before, and I was so awe-struck that all I could do was sit and look at an image
that I still had a tough time believing.
It is silent now, no birds singing, and the rustling of bushes
is even quieter. I know what is about to happen, she is coming. The
air is still a little brisk, but the sense of it brushing my face is not as I
felt on the way up here. The time is near, and then it happens.
She slowly manifests out of nothing, hovering a little, her
pure white gown is moving listlessly and is almost too bright to look upon. The
movement to me is ever so slight, she is only a few feet away and I am stunned
as usual. She is looking directly at me, with a little smile, we do not communicate
with words. Everything is in mind; her soft voice is so crisp and wonderful. She heard my prayers to see her one more time. Was thrilled to find
this wonderful area. Isn’t Mother Nature a wonderment in her own rights? I said
she is and what I was looking at in front of me is also beautiful. Oh, she goes
on about how nice that is. She explained that being here was something she
looked forward to because it was so wonderful looking at all the colors and
surrounding green trees.
I asked why she picked me to allow this miracle to happen.
She explained my pain when lost my daughter, and wife, at the same time. The
moment in my realm was so disturbing, that you seemed to give up. I knew what needed
to be done. Your wife and child are well within your understanding of what
heaven is called by mortals who have belief and faith in the Lord’s plain or a
place far-reaching the soul’s outer comprehension of His realm. I am at a
different level of life force. And when someone such as yourself loses all
perspective of wanting to move on in life, the darkness moves in to make your
faith and belief become nothing. No feelings, deep depression, all goodness is
lost amongst the darkness, you were well into a place of no return and might
move out of living altogether yourself.
I sat and thought of how bad I felt. I lost all perspective
of what living was about. She was right, the nights came without wanting to see
the next day. I missed them so much, it hurt. No sleep, drinking, not seeing
anybody for months. I slowly began to just barely exist. That is when I found
this path one day, I am sure she made it happen, she came out of nowhere and
explained to me about the darkness and how it took my thought process and changed
my life force for wanting to live. The faith and belief I had was gone. But she
began to make me understand where my wife and child were. How in their realm of the spiritual entity was still able to see how my life force was in trouble. We
came together and I used their faith and belief to fill your heart again with
love and knowing they were all right and did not have to stop being in the
darkness. I was a different person when came back home that day. I got all my
bottles of alcohol and threw them out. I got the pictures of his wife and child
and started to believe in life again. Even when they are not here with him,
they will be in his heart, and still madly in love with them. My world began to
change, everything was different. I got out, walked, and went to see friends,
got a wonderful job speaking to others who were lost such as me.
I read the bible, and pray more, have not gone to a church yet.
And love life throughout my spirit, that life force which is in all of us. We
just need to learn to tap into that inward touch upon the heart with God’s help
and the belief of having our lost loved ones, near and dear, to our spiritual
entity of this plain of life, our world as it is to us. We control the
decisions and bring within us the living without that dark mentality that will
destroy the path of what our destiny is put here for us to create and follow.
She was a miracle and made my living with reality I understood completely.
There was no wrong perspective, only the love of life and having faith in the
Lord again. He was always there, and I only needed to seek His life force, His
love for me, to begin the life I felt inward my spirit.
She slowly backed away, still hovering, my angel never had
to say anything as she became a whisp of fresh air on my face. I felt so
wonderful and alive. This was going to be the last of our time together, which
was fine, I understood what I needed to do and will conduct my mission of
giving people a place in the heart for loving life again. I began my walk home,
leaving this meadow of wonderment for the last time. Who knows, someone may
happen upon it such as I, and find their own miracle within the breeze of the
forest, brisk as it is, it still feels wonderful.
Where Evil Lay Within
How does one find the courage to keep the darkness at bay,
away, I say, away from my beating heart. It is not the manner of the degree
that evil can do. Still, the insatiable touch it holds what seems like an eternity and fortitude we who are cursed with a darkened moving my strength. Hence, the world
outside is demented and cruel, and devastation becomes the norm of things,
internally that is. I am hungover again, sitting on the edge of the bed, my
mind is meandering through the hours before just what I did. I have no clue as
to how I got here but the darkness is the culprit which is partly responsible,
for my disillusioned mental state, it is not just alcohol. I convince myself of
that as I slowly get up and move toward the bathroom. Thee, I may eliminate
last night’s moments of drunkenness where it belongs, into that white porcelain, and thus, I start anew.
My head is still pounding, that darkened cloud of
devastation set upon my soul is ever so demanding. I must do something I really
do not want to do. See my ex-wife and my kid who hates me. They both do not
get it; I am possessed by this evilness and have been for a long
time. I say I will kill myself just to show evil, there you bastard, I won. The
walk to the bus station is non-eventful, the sun is out but it burns my eyes if I do not wear these dark glasses. I barely make it to the station, I am hungover, and have no strength to walk as I do for only one mile. Oh, the darkness of my
soul, do not your ways have to be so fucking hard on my body as well? In
time, I will find a way to make you beg for mercy before I cut your fucking
head off, even if do it in the dream state I am in all the time.
There is hardly anybody on the bus, which makes it better
for me, not so much background noise. Sometimes the people are purposely raving
as loud as they can, so it seems anyway. More aspirin, warm water which I hate,
and time is not on my side, ever. The bus comes to my stop. There are trees and
foliage I should notice for the comfort that may bring because of the beauty
presiding over one’s senses. I really do not give a shit right now, as evil singing
that phrase in my head. Much too often. The door is only a few feet from me,
and I am having a tough time going up to it and knocking, I always do. This
makes my stomach even worse than it already is. I knock, wait, and knock again.
The door swings open and she, my ex, slams the door back closed. Even knowing I
was coming she has no shame, no empathy, but I cannot blame her. And evil
weighs heavy upon my shoulders, bringing with it the darkness for which I am
constantly living.
I have been sitting on the steps for a little over an hour,
trying to get enough courage to knock again. Then, there was a slow creaking
sound from the door, it usually did that if opened slowly. Ronny was standing
just inside the house and almost covered by the door itself. I looked at him
and could not believe how much he had grown. My son, he was just two it seems. I
said quietly,
“Hello, Ronny.”
“Hi, are you drunk?”
I said a little louder, “No I am not drunk.”
“Then why did mom slam the door on you?”
“Son, I have no idea.”
I asked nicely, “Can I come in and talk to you? Catch up on what
is going on in your life?”
He waited a long time before answering, “Okay, come in and
be quiet. We can go up to my room.”
“Thanks, kid.”
We both were tip-toeing as we were going up the stairs. Each
creak took my breath away. His room had changed, you could see he was growing
and in with the times. I had forgotten his craving for reading, he had journals
everywhere, and he was into writing as well.
“I will be right back, don’t touch anything and be quiet!”
Okay, he is the man of the house now. I was proud of his
demanding attitude, which made him so much more of an adult. But there was
something a little odd about him, his mannerisms were different. Well, I have
not seen him for quite some time. I need three more aspirins. It is going to be
a miracle to get through this and back outside without a big argument with
Carol. I was being a little nosy though, and picked up one of his journals. I
wanted to see his writing style if I had time. I looked at the door and stood
for a second to hear anything going on outside. Nothing, so I opened his journal
a few months ago. He was explaining the lousy way he and his friend were being
treated at school dances. Nothing out of the ordinary happens to a lot of
kids these days. Then, I hit pay dirt and was absolutely floored. Ronny
explained how much he and Robert were in love, and wanted to move to the next step
of the relationship. I could not believe it, he was gay.
I put the journal back just as I found it. Went over to the
window and looked out down the street. Wondering If I could have known sooner
in his life, watched him grow up, and saw the difference in his mannerisms. Not
that it bothered me, I am okay with it, but how do I get him to tell me so I
can explain how I feel about him being gay. Ronny slowly came from the hall and
sat down on the bed.
“Mom is taking a nap; she does this often. Something she
picked up from one of the housewife’s gurus who thinks she is the next best
thing to living a well-lived life. Mom thinks her beliefs are helping her cope
with all that has been going on with you leaving.”
“Ronny, we got a divorce, I did not just leave, I was kicked
out of the house. And yes, it was my fault it ended up the way it did. You see
son, I do not know if you are going to understand what I am about to tell you.”
Ronny looked a little scared, or he felt he was going to be
told something he was not ready to divulge.
“I have been in the dumps since the divorce. My mentality is
being held hostage by the darkness that is controlled by evil. I drink too
much, and have horrible hangovers, before I came here, I was feeling terrible,
since talking with you I have felt better.”
“Why don’t you get help?” Ronny said with hesitation.
“Because I am afraid. Afraid of what this darkened cloud
will do to my soul if try to remove it. I know it sounds odd to you, but it is
the basis for my existence as it is now. Maybe if you help, I can get the
courage to fight it.” I said with a quiver in my voice.
Ronny sat there for a while; I could tell he was trying to
bring the words out. He too had a heavy burden to carry and did not know what
to say for me to understand his dilemma.
“Dad?”
“Yes.”
“I am going to tell you something I have told to no one
else. Please, please, try to understand where I am coming from, and how I am
feeling about it, do not get upset enough to wake Mom.”
“Go ahead, son.”
Ronny says with some strong conviction behind his words, “I
am Gay. I am who I am and like myself as I am. I have a boyfriend, and we love
each other, he has come out to his parents, and they were understanding, and accepted
the fact of him being gay. Obviously, they know I am too, but I never mentioned
the fact to them. I want to come out to Mom and everybody but like you, it is a
challenging thing to get the courage.”
I took some time to answer that statement he made too. I
know it took guts to do that, and he has the courage just does not know how to
get it out of his inner self. I listen to myself, and, oddly, both of us
have the same problem but for several reasons.
“Ronny, I am going to make a long, drawn-out comment. I do
not care that you are gay. You were born that way, and there is nothing you or
anyone can do to try and change the fact that being gay is not a choice.
God made you who you are, and knowing that you like yourself as you are, is a
wonderful thing. I love you Ronny, and nothing will ever take that from me.
You, unlike me, have courage right at your deepest part of the spirit. You
always had it and now, you reach deep inside and tell the world, I am Ronny Cornell
Simpson, and I am gay and loving it! That fact will remove the burden you carry
like me, but for different reasons. Saying all this to you is making me
stronger and now I know what I need to do to fight the battle I carry around in
myself.”
Ronny looked like he was on top of the world, he ran to me
and hugged me as if no tomorrow, sheesh he was strong. We had tears in our
eyes, never said anything about crying but we knew how glad he was to find what
he needed to move on in life. I on the other hand felt bad that I could not be
as strong as Robby. I was the adult here and should have the courage to kill
the evilness attached to my soul.
“Dad, are you going to go and get help?”
I looked at him and feeling terrible I do not have the
courage he does, lied.
“Yes, son, I will go and find the help needed to rid this
evil, dark cloud, hanging onto my soul.”
I sounded odd to myself talking in that manner. He does not
understand my own knowledge of how the spirit is held hostage if not strong and
uses the Higher Power to be in control of myself.
“Dad, are you really going to a rehab center, do you need
mom to take you?”
“I will take myself, thanks, she would rather see me suffer
with my demons than take me to Rehab.”
“I am going to go right now, and you can be sure I will be
back to see you. I have learned a great deal about my son today, and you are full
of courage, more than I am at this point. You keep your head up, be strong in your
convictions, and do not let anybody tell you that being gay is anything but
what God made you.”
He smiled and gave me another hug. I was taken aback by the hug;
he was never that close to me to give that much attention. His mother can be at
fault for that. I went to the front door, quietly went out, and heard inside,
“You what, how could you not wake me with him in the house!”
I just turned and went to the bus stop. Sat a while until
the bus came and reflected on everything I went through with my son. I had no
idea who he was until a few hours ago. And now I need a drink. The demon was
hounding me and telling me to fill his gut full of drink. The night was coming,
and I had put off the bar for a few hours. It is becoming harder each hour that
goes by. If I wait, they will be closed soon, and I can battle tomorrow whether
I will go to Rehab or drink myself into a delirious pitiful human being. I want
out of evil’s grasp on me. The time has come, and it needs to end. The thought
brought chills to my thought process, the Rehab scared me to death as well, and
the thought of continued drinking with evil controlled my mental life and
soul. I waited some more and did not give much thought as to what would happen
tomorrow. All I knew was going to be a change and how I was going to live
amongst the normal was the only mental capabilities I could muster up.
The time for sleep was slowly approaching, I am so damned tired,
and I need to sleep without drinking to oblivion taking me there. I slept. It
was a restless night, tossing and turning, bad dreams would wake me on occasion,
but I would fall back to sleep. Till awakened again by my strife with evil and
fighting his tormented ways. I woke up early and sat on the edge of the bed
trying to keep my head from hurting. I do not know why the headache is. I guess
the next thing to do is take something to make it stop. I got dressed and ate a
small bowl of cereal. I looked out the kitchen window for a long time, noticed
the green trees, and the grounds in the apartment, and knew it was time to go to
Rehab. It was on the way to Robby’s house, so I knew where it was. The bus let
me out about a block away. It was the longest walk I made, seemed to go on
forever, and the end game was me walking through the main door with the
expectation of starting anew in life.
“Seems you are having a tough time making the final decision
to walk through the door and change your life.”
“Yes, Father, my demons are dead set against me not drinking
myself to oblivion every night.”
“You know the strength of God will give you what is needed
to literally remove those demons from your soul’s inner habitual drinking ways.”
“I would like to believe that, but my praying goes nowhere,
and the self-denial I am a drunk, just makes it worse internally to accept any
kind of belief God will help me.”
“He has been with you since you were born, keeping you from
harm's way as drinking, and bringing you here, at this moment, to being
righteously knowing the Devine of the Lord has always been with you. Come my
son, come with me, and begin a new life where the end is never thought about
again.”
“I am scared it will not work, and those demons are just
going to be hiding till get out of Rehab. Driving me back to the bar, and the
tormented ways drinking does to one’s soul.”
“Are you feeling anything right now except fear?”
“No, not really, I am just a little scared of what will
happen as enter through those doors.”
“Well,” the pastor began to say.
“The way to one’s mental state is not what you think, those
doors are your salvation, a clear entrance to a journey where the design is
fulfilling and feelings of betterment toward yourself.”
I turned and looked at him, the pastor was not incredibly
old which I thought was odd. He should be an old man, knowing God’s ways for
many years, having the knowledge and wisdom one gets in his position from years
of dealing with people being saved.
I asked,
“Why are you here, I mean shouldn’t you be at a church doing
sermons?”
“I am here because my calling is too bring people such as
yourself, through those doors and see what God can do for you His strength is
always there when needed, if you feel like drinking, not only your sponsor will
help but praying will be the norm of things as go from day to day, one step at
a time.”
“Okay Father, open the door, quickly before I chicken out
and go to the bar. I need a drink, and the demons are rampant with desire for drink.”
He got up, took my hand, and opened the door, and there at
that moment in time, I was not lost or felt deepened by fear, all I felt inside
was relief. A real-life feeling of hope, and that was the beginning of never
having the demons with me again. They were cast out by God and never to pass my
spirit again, never to hold my soul with their grasp of demented ways to make
living life so hard. I in an instant of time had hope. It was there all along I
had no way to bring it to my inner self so the door to living life was given
to me and the blessing it provided was the beginning of a new look through
the clouds of darkness, seeing the light of life for the first time in a very
long time.
So, I Keep Praying
I have fallen and cannot find my way,
It is dark and there is no way out,
because there is no light.
Why have you forsaken me,
I have done all you asked me to do.
Now alone, you are nowhere to be found.
So, the end seems near,
I have found my life was short,
but I will see you when all is said and done,
I have missed you,
I still love you, my darling,
I will come to you.
Now, I have some light.
I no longer need to fight,
for your love.
Thank you, Lord,
I have your light of life,
all I needed was to believe and have faith,
it is now clear you have been with me on my journey all the
time
I have found my way,
through love and hate,
how I love you so,
my darling, you are loved also,
for the journey is coming to an end,
I have you with me,
I have the Lord with me,
my road is filled with light, so my way is clear,
and I will persevere,
into the light I go,
now, it is here that I found my way,
it is there you are here,
love is the key.
And I have it all,
you are my destiny and grateful for my life,
hello and goodbye,
we are coming through it all, together,
I am now content and home in my heart,
together and insisting on holding up to the
challenge for life and faith.
Here I now lay and find my way,
loving all, and being loved is the way,
there is the journey’s end.
I now may sleep and be happy, together with
you and Him, for this I am grateful.
Humbled and love you, forever,
till there is no time left except when I am needed,
together we will not deny the dream we desire.
It is here and being in love,
that I will not fail,
found my way,
He has led the way,
for that I am final and complete,
time has no feat,
fate has not come,
for me,
so, I keep praying.
It is silent now, no birds singing, and the rustling of bushes is even quieter. I know what is about to happen, she is coming. The air is still a little brisk, but the sense of it brushing my face is not as I felt on the way up here. The time is near, and then it happens.
Running through the forest will not be a problem. The path is treacherous and up and down the mountain. Some spots are only a foot wide, but this must be done to get to the gorge. White Eagle was prepared though for the worst. He has run in the forest for many years, been on the same path he will trek for the passage of the gorge. His father, the Chief, has shown him what he must do to be considered a warrior, part of his path when it is time to be Chief. This run today is partly on the trail he will be running tomorrow. The rocks and pebbles are hurting his feet and throwing him out of balance. He turned the path’s corner and immediately fell, rolling down the small incline. White Eagle lay for some time. He needed to feel his body’s condition, checking for broken bones, or twisted something. White Eagle got up and for a quick thought decided to head back home but kept running the trail till stopping at the spot he originally decided to stop and turn back.
When got back home White Eagle could see some scratches and scrapes. His mother put some sab on them and shook her head. She knew what was going to happen and she could do nothing to make it stop. Her role as a Native American mother of the tribe was to encourage and support the decision to run the path to the gorge. White Eagle knew that and discussed with his mother the path and what would take to run such a dangerous path to the gorge. Nothing else was said about him running. The day was here.
White Eagle began the path very early in the morning. He was walking it at first then broke into a run. Parts of the beginning, where it splits off the trail and becomes its pathway, rocks, and pebbles are difficult, hurting his feet. Past that part of the trail, it begins to climb a little in altitude, making it difficult to breathe for White Eagle. He has conditioned himself to not let it bother him. He is running much faster now but soon will have to slow down because of the foot-wide path before him. This will slow the pace but not stop him from running toward the gorge. The next turn is coming up and must be done right or he could slip and fall off the path. White Eagle quickly made the turn and followed the path’s direction without incident. Soon the gorge would be near. He can hear the water rushing across the rocks and down the waterfall.
The trail now was getting higher, more inclined with the path, White Eagle had to be sure of his footing, the path was narrow and rocky, and nothing but heavy bushes were lining the path. Each step made a little puff of dirt, a small cloud of dust. White Eagle was getting tired. He picked up the pace, made the next two turns of the path, and finally heard the water rushing through the gorge. Nearer the path’s end, just before the jump was to be made, was a small hump, a little berm that could mess everything up if not planted with the foot at the point of jumping. White Eagle was running quicker now, the breeze on his face was a little damp, which meant it was time to concentrate on what needed to be done, jump the gorge. Another turn and it was time.
White Eagle started running as fast as he could, and the turn was approached by White Eagle, the noise was deafening, and he could not stop. As White Eagle came to the spot to jump, he planted his foot right at the edge of the berm. He could feel himself rise into the air, but, his other foot tipped the top of the berm, he was making a shorter ending to the jump. White Eagle did not let that thought bother him. He positioned himself in the air and felt as if flying like an Eagle. The other side of the path, where it begins, was coming up fast and short. White Eagle knew this was going to happen and kept his mind focused on the path only and the landing. White Eagle came up short, fell about ten feet along the side of the gorge, and grabbed a small tree to stop. He was bleeding, his head hurt, and looked down along the wall to the gorge below. Then back up to the top.
He kept thinking of the climb up, it took nearly four hours to make the climb and roll onto the path’s beginning from the other side of the gorge. It was about noon now, and he needed to get back home. He wanted to tell his father about the jump. What he didn’t know was his father watching him jump the gorge and fall short of the edge. From a different place higher up on the mountain. He was proud of White Eagle and told him when he talked to him at home. White Eagle was ecstatic, and the tribe was going their praise also. Soon, he was running back down the path and turning around where the path ended. White Eagle felt good and glad he jumped the gorge. Now, he was a true warrior, his people would look upon him differently. He thought of how his being Chief one day would impact the tribe. He could see himself and become stronger in spirit so his knowledge and wisdom will show through them, helping and giving direction when needed. Almost a Shaman in a way but he was not that special, he would make improvements with what he knew though. White Eagle talked to his father many times about what happens when White Eagle becomes Chief.
His father would look at White Eagle and smile. He knew how special White Eagle was and would be a great Chief. White Eagle was running the path today. Following the way it made its way through the forest, he became one in thought. Allowing the Great Spirit to show his truth, White Eagle was then at the edge of the gorge, he looked all over the valley and gave praise for the Great Spirit to make him strong and full of wisdom. He stood there for a very long time, listening to the water rush through the gorge and over the waterfall. The one he jumped over…
As the path begins to wind through the forest, a serene moment seems to appear from nowhere. The movements are slow but methodical, flowers and trees move about from a light wind, and the night begins to approach to say, “I have arrived and all is well”. The surreal of the night is becoming more prominent now and continues throughout the darkened hours. Soon, the sunrise will be the beginning of the daylight hours, giving what is needed for the path to show the winding it takes to the valley below. Moments of surreality are still in the wind and movements of the foilage are waving for their dance.
The path has come to the bottom of the valley, beginning
again with some more different winding and curves where the path shows cliffs
and dangerous ways. As trekking the path throughout the day it becomes less
dangerous and more filled with smooth passages as walking through the valley.
There again the serenity is back and stronger, more defined, giving the air a
quietness yet still making slow methodical movements of the foliage, and the
singing pine trees are making their song heard.
The end of the path is coming soon, ending at an old part of
the forest, nearly to the front door of an old cabin. There is rustling inside,
someone is doing something. There is calm in the forest. The flowers and such
are beginning to stop flowing with the wind, and night is approaching again. This
time it is coming fast and hours go by which seems minutes have passed. The
door opens and a fragile old woman steps out. She begins her walk down the path
and makes her way toward the water from the stream. She takes a bucket full and
goes back into the cabin. The air is crisp and moving ever so slowly. She opens
the door again and stands on the porch looking toward the stream, listening to
the forest speak at night. There is so much to say from all that meanders here
and there, or the nature sounds heard only at night.
Off in the distance, there is a bright flutter of wings seen
and heard, it is quick in movement and stops just a few inches from the old
woman. Fluttering in front of her and moving here and there, the fairy doesn’t
say anything but knows the old woman has something for her. When went down to
the stream she picked some special flowers found only in this forest. As if
just for the fairies to feast on. The old woman held out the flower and the
fairy immediately settled on it and started to eat little tidbits of the
flower. It was fascinating to watch the fairy perched upon the flower and
taking such specks of the flower to eat. She has been doing this for many
years. And knew when the fairies were close. It was that surreal feeling as
passing through the forest, those moments of noises heard at night, ever so
lightly, but they are there.
The fairy quickly fluttered itself by the face of the old
woman and lightly brushed its wings against the harsh skin of the woman. It was
its way of thanking her for the meal. The sun was beginning to come up for
another day. The fairy quickly and almost silently whisked its way through the
forest, to her special place of hiding and sleeping. The old woman turned and
went inside to do the same, sleep. The forest was busy with the sounds of
daylight. Nature’s way of saying she was alive and gave the forest whatever it
needed throughout the days, with flowers growing, greenery abounding, and life
moving on as planned, from day to day.
Occasionally, there are moments when the effort to move and
do something falls short of anything but writing. I need to improve my
photography, going out and about for shots that only I can make happen. My creativity
comes deep from within my spirit, making an image happen and working on it to
manipulate whatever I desire it to become. Words, making their way across the
image for some insight I thought of while being in a creative mood. I do that
every day through my writing, the website, and my Blog, I make the Written Way
happen. The Great Spirit comes for a visit on occasion, whispering to me to be
more spiritual and engage with the Higher Power more often.
I at one time let go of the Lord's hand on my shoulder. I was a miserable, very
angry man, my wife was the rock though, she knew the pain and discomfort would
change the demeanor of a person. I just stopped praying. One day though I got a
tap on my shoulder showing He did not leave me nor forsaken the pain I have. He
was there all the while making each day and into the night, a little less
painful. I needed to be patient, less hard on myself and my wife, and believe
in the direction He is taking me for some healing to begin...And it gets better
each day.
I don't get out as much and the camera gear is workable but for the last two
years nothing, but pain and discomfort harbored my days. It is getting better,
have to be on a spiritual run to get the moments and master my images like I do
with the Written Way. My creativity through words:
https://www.enchantedwordsessence.com
Have you not ever been grateful? The path was a little rough, sometimes it rose a few feet so it was harder to trek. The end game though was to be at the top of this majestic mountain, overlooking the valleys below and outward. My path is somewhat the same, there are ups and downs, and sometimes it is extremely difficult to maintain a balance between spirit and the Higher Power. The air is a little thinner, I have gone very high and it has been difficult at times, but will not stop the journey. There is too much to be had spiritually. Now and then stop and bow my head and listen, taking in the sounds only found here at this moment, at this place also within the moment, together making living a balance.
It is colder and a light wind is blowing making the temperature drop a few degrees, but will not stop and follow this path before me to the point where I have visioned it to be through dreams. The rocks are bigger and the path is fading away becoming a hit-and-miss walk to the top of the mountain. I am not worried, I know where I am going, and timely as it may seem, the wonderment between spirit and the Higher Power’s touch set upon the soul at the moment when reached the top, well, I will be very grateful. Oh, a little sun, warmth, peaked its way through some clouds. They are surrounding my path, the clouds, still, I know where the spot is, that piece of time standing still just for me.
For some reason, it seems quieter than before. I am close, there is no path to follow, around the rocks and through a small field of foliage, and it is time. The belief in what I am looking at is nearly overtaking my senses, tears have begun, the air fresh and so quiet even with the wind. But looking out there, the valleys below and the wonderment of life is not as seemed, sure, the moments have been hard. Yet, here I am having the view piercing my soul with unmistakenly truth to His being alive and maintaining this, all this land and water, from flower to flower, the growth for miles and miles. He was the catalyst for it to happen AND, here I am gazing at it all just so the thought of the day is to be grateful.
I bow my head, on my knees, and thank God for this time and place. I have so much to be thankful for and living in whatever the mere existence of life you may call it, there is nothing to compare to what He is giving as a gift, of sorts, other than being alive, balanced, and finding the path I have so searched for many years.
And as time moves on, age sets in, the memories will never be forgotten. He made sure of that. The path? I still go there and find my balance with God and Nature. That is my gift, I so hope you find your path and balance as well…
Oh, the trek was a long one. Many years, and many more
miles. I remember being so young when I started the path and now I feel well at
this age, everything around me has changed so much. It’s the spirit that
maintains the mental health I need, that deep-felt belief and faith that is the
catalyst for defying the wrongs and making the right choices to get to this
level of consciousness. I am way out of the city, the only place of my calling,
where the magic happens from many angelic thoughts and spiritual confinement to
my senses. There is no way out of the darkened way found inward from those
paths that I had to walk among evil’s so-called gifts.
Years had passed before making the crucial defying moment of
removing the dark, evil, touch upon my soul. It was either him or I and the
aftermath of the instant it happened was nearly less than a miracle. Every
possible strength I and my universe spirits (I call them that for they come
from outward the universal confides they only know to help me when needed, and
that was a lot back then) had depleted, removed from the spirit’s grasp around
my soul, I was nothing but flesh and barely a being. The moment it happened
when evil was defeated, there was one other than me in the quietness of the
surrounding area. He had it all, strength, power, and an army of Angels that would
make the Universe shake out of fear that the Creator could have made such an
entity. I was at His feet giving thanks for His existence and giving me the
strength to get through my demise. He only looked…
And then I awoke from my nap. Sitting on the edge of bed, I
kept telling myself it was a dream and the realism behind it is what dreams do,
bring the moments alive in your life. He was so real, so alive, I am near
normal now, back to being filled with strength and leaving the heaviness behind
in the past. I know though as I sit out here again, in the quiet, my spot just
for me, the moment may rise and receive the truth He will be here with me, all
that there is in a powerful gifted being. The trek beyond the moment evil met
its demise and returned to wherever it is evil lies, my wanderings were filled
with a lighted light of life. I had the gift and people knew from where it
came. I was blessed…
Although the time it took to get here seems short, as time
is, what if it is relevant and the distance is not what thought? Maybe it only
took a mere amount of time to accomplish my trek. Yet, I have aged, much, much
older than would have anticipated, so what in the sense of reality, how many
years did it get to be here, now, in my realm of things? The time is of no
consequence, the hours and days mean nothing, nighttime came and went, so what
is the truth to my existence at this moment? And did evil go to someplace
similar to mine, a contemplation peace of mind? That is a scary thought…
The space I sit in seems to be feeling a little different.
The air is thicker, and dusk is outstanding. Coloristic, for this time of day. I
feel someone is near, He has arrived and the truth of anything to do with time
is gone. There is no ticking clock or an abundance of hours ahead or behind me.
It is what it is. A moment, set aside for me, and His saying nothing is quite
okay with me. I still give thanks from within thought, He gives a nod, I should
have known His way is nothing like us beings here on this small planet, who
knows what lies out there in the universal of things? What is odd is that He
doesn’t look bored or in a rush, it's as if He is learning something and wants
to get as much out of it as possible. I am of no consequence to the moment that
is happening within His time frame. And it seems like time has stopped, there
is no feeling of going from day to night and back again, or having to rush this
instance of time, His time, just letting it go the way it wants. And it is
hours…
He speaks in thought how well I have come through the moment
evil was defeated. I nearly jumped straight up and stood before Him.
I thought, “I am thankful for your believing in me, and
giving what was needed for a task so difficult, I would have never believed I
could manage such a feat.”
He nods again and gives a smirky smile of gratification for
my part in the conversation. The physical ambiance of His being is somewhat out
of context with His powerful arms and body itself. You would think someone in
this complexity of life the image would be enormous, but the power and sense of
His mental strength is, I think for my sake, toned down a bit. Now I get the
feeling He is moving onward to wherever He needs to be or where something needs
His power and strength. I lay back down, close my eyes, and remove the moments
when time has stopped…
I slept for two days. Had no idea what time or day it was,
didn’t care, my life had changed. Even my physical self had a slight girth in
muscles that I never had before. The journey and the meeting of the Great
Spirit did something inward and took my spirit into the far reaches of my
being. Is this the feeling of winning, becoming different in mindset so the
world and everything out there is known to have changed? I do not think people
have a clue as to what happened within a mere small amount of time. The world
was saved and evil was of no truth to the meaning of destruction, its own,
beginning with the trek and ending with a journey. My mind is more complex, and
has more depth to life’s ways, living with a good and bad desire to accomplish
whatever He wants me to do. Have I gained a specialness surrounding my spirit?
Do others feel my presence differently? Well, my sense is for the good fighting
to keep evil from meandering too far within the confines of our souls. Again,
does this make me special, can I see and feel things differently than others? I
look older but do I feel wiser? Is the knowledge found throughout the journey’s
way bring truth and found wonderment only I know exists?
I am that I am, the spiritual touch from one to another
begins, and there is no end in sight for my life…
Well, the situation in our world is becoming an environment
of evil and endless negativity. We all need to step back and look outward for
some positive directives. When the world comes to a point of darkened ways of
life, there must be a Higher Power to turn to. He has the directives for our
spirit to grow and use these ways of life for good and positive usefulness.
Prayer has its way with our spiritual beliefs to gain an opened door for
positive directions to follow. Thus, the avenues of life found inside the world
we live in can be filled with common sense to stop evil. People need to pray
and use the feelings inside for faith that the world will turn out okay. Even
amongst the tragedies happening every day. Walk through your life and find the desired avenues where
the negative has no place in the spirit.
It can be found through meditation,
using meditation in many ways one needs to bring the world in a positive direction.
Once the mindset is fixed for a peaceful way of living, the roads lead to where
one can find lessons of truth for spiritual beliefs to grow and keep the
positive flowing outward through the world
At least we can hope for the best.
Keeping the faith is all one needs to remember. Don’t lose
perspective and believe negativity is the way of life. Look beyond the darkened
ways and seek the bright light of life. It is there just for our trusting the
Higher Power’s touch upon our spirits. Giving truths to follow, finding the
right way to be positive. It is not hard, just elusive enough to lose oneself
in the daily living ways. One day at a time, gaining what is needed to create
the wonderment of loving our way of bringing life within and being positive so
the road is less disruptive. Keeping the world in mind for the way to make it
right, at least in better shape than it is. Belief is difficult to obtain
because of being so negative all the time. It will come to you in abundance,
one just needs to have faith and a desired entrance with the Higher Power
giving the light of life He will bring
us what is set forth for our spiritual growth.
We need faith…
The Roads for Perseverance
As our life progresses down those many roads and avenues that carry the lessons for us to understand and grow by, there are reasons given for the difficulties and challenges as they are. Higher Power gives us ways to be filled with perseverance and endurance to get through those roads and avenues of difficulty. Why is it important for us to have that trek through living ways? To become stronger in faith and belief. Using the spirit’s help for the Higher Power gives us what is needed for our soul.
And so we move on through the many roads and avenues with a better understanding of the difficulties. He is with us and gives us the endurance to persevere in those trials to find the lessons on the paths of the avenues.
Spiritual Touch
We have some connection to all spiritual surroundings among us. There will be a feeling one gets if, near a book or someone who makes spirituality a reality, you sense the connection. Something holds the two dimensions together, or more if think that possible. Being near a pastor and feeling the presence of The Lord encompassing the pastor's being. Everything inward the spirit's way of thought is being given from the Lord. What about handling a book and feeling comfortable while holding it and flipping through the pages for some clarity on the spiritual and feeling the presence of The Lord encompassing the pastor's being?
Everything inward the spirit's way of thought is being given from the Lord. What about handling a book and feeling comfortable while holding it and flipping through the pages for some clarity on the spiritual spirituality breathes from your spirit's touch upon the soul, for the factor to the realism there are connections from one essence to another, has everything to do with faith in the truth found throughout the path you are looking for growth...
We all have some problems in our lives. Good days and bad
times complicate living as wanted. Many suffer from health and mental
distractions. The spirit is there trying to take the truth for the mindset to
change. True to the spiritual direction needed to heal. The voice is there for
strength and healing. It is tough though because you want to feel better now. The
touch upon the soul from a Higher Power will come. We have to wait on His time
frame. He knows the way of your life and will do what is needed to give
strength for whatever comes down the road for your health to change.
Do you understand the way of love given to help from His
voice? No, we do have not the comprehension in our mindset to understand
anything the Higher Power allows us to feel and the direction of His ways. It
just comes and we have to accept it. That love is felt though. And the truth
the spirit understands is far more in-depth of our choices that soon come to
another degree of living. The spirit can help within our soul’s housing. Your
inner voices. That comes up in prayers and your ability to listen for something
felt far away, yet inside the way of spiritual belief.
Sounds complicated. But the spiritual direction is not as
easy to have as a mindset as would thought. Oh, it is there for your faith and
belief. The road of life has what is needed for who you are to become. It was
set as you were born. Choices are the key to how it is followed. So many make
wrong choices and life becomes so much harder. Some circumstances just happen
and living is much harder for them. Having faith in the Higher Power can give a
mindset of love and truth. Love for the soul and a felt feeling of love for
others make for a better mindset of life.
And on we go…hear His voice?
Around, around, the mind goes. Always looking for some
direction of the spirit. The voice is there and giving the direction needed for
the spirit, you are not listening. Go somewhere quiet and calm the mind to hear
the direction for the spirit to soothe the soul. Get rid of the main
distractions in your life. Computer, TV, phone, social media. And open the door
to what is good for the spirit. There are many avenues and roads behind the
door of life. Your door leads to many lessons which can be helpful in life.
Living with the spiritual direction needed for living the way you want, without
the enemy trying to give wrong mental stability.
Words and Our Spirit
We have much to fix within our spirits. The reading of social media, normal Media in our Society, and News Media on paper. They all bring negativity and falsehoods. Our spiritual path is also being challenged. It is very hard to get the real truths we look for in the printed media of our society. They are there when reading. The spirit helps to bring the truth through what you are reading. Words make their way, so you understand the truth is being read. This happens all throughout the day's reading.
We as a society have many doors to walk through, following the roads that present themselves. Those paths have a lot of lessons and understandings to make your way as comfortable as possible. Thus the readings can get to the spirit’s way of thought. Hard to believe these processes go as they should, the Higher Power has control and it is His way for your spirit to follow. Truth falls in place along the way…
Our spirits come with so many safeguards. Higher Power made sure we have the lessons and truths for our spirits to become informed through spiritual paths. There is always in the world of reading words, the written ways do not have the right truths for one to follow. There needs to be some way to bring the need to understand the words and whether the reading is right or wrong. The spirit comes through with what you need. It is given what the mindset needs from the Higher Power. And has still the words to understand what is read. If that makes sense…
Read on, everything is covered through our spirit…
The Long Road to Spiritual Growth
Our life has many destinations for the spirit to grow by.
Giving our soul strength from the Higher Power. Now, getting the road and the
different avenues found are not so easy to understand, mostly, there are lessons
to be had. Spiritual growth is found on many of these paths. What does it take
to find the right lessons for our spiritual growth? An understanding of what
these paths do for us, for our spirit, and finally for our soul. One road at a
time.
Our Journey to Find Spiritual Growth
With all that is going on in the world especially here
in our country. It is no wonder the spirit of our being has difficulty getting
the spiritual growth it needs. The roads and avenues with many paths of lessons
are not also getting through for our spirit to follow. But the spirit is strong
and will find its way along many of those paths. Spiritual growth comes with
challenges, and the trek along those roads could be difficult. The perception
of how life could be with the spiritual growth giving us the lessons along our
paths is a wonder of living in a well-lighted place with the Higher Power. He is
always in our spiritual inner-self, behind a door waiting to open when needed.
As the roads of spiritual growth come and go we get the
growth as the Higher Power opens doors for us to learn. He gives in His time
frame. The prayers are there for us to deem when the right moment arrives for
our spirit to get lessons one moment at a time, His way of time.
So, the difficult time does not come through as badly as it
possibly could. We are growing through spiritual growth and the trek is
becoming shorter than thought possible. Each path is coming to us with lessons
we use and the spirit is connecting to the spirit and us through our
inner-self, “spirit”. The Holy Spirit plays a big part in our growth. You or I
may not know this, but in time we find out He gives us the understanding of why
the Holy Spirit came to us with the paths needed for learning.
The Higher Power works in many ways to help with our onward
treks…
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